I AM A WOMAN 9-30-10

I am a woman 9/30/10

I am a woman
And my feet reek of The Great Mother
Specks of her black gritty flesh stain my feet
As I walk on her fascia
Blades of grass
Between my toes
Skimming stones in the puddles
Of her blood
I am a woman
And I am round
In all the right places
I see faces
Of a past
Of a bloodline
I know I can be proud of
Of blue and green
A cloud covered marble
She looks like so from outer space
And her face
Is reflected in our lady Diana
Our goddess
Our night’s light
Our moon
I am a woman
And my body has created no life
Other than my own
And a few English sentences
No stretch marks
No episiotomies
No reasons to cry
In the dark from sleep deprivation or fear
Over where she might be
Or what she is doing and who she is doing it with and will she call me.
I am a woman
And I was raised on the triple Goddess
As my mother parlayed the three ladies to me
All down to the letter J:
Judy Collins
Joni Mitchell
Joan Baez
My Maiden my Mother my Crone all the way to 1981
When it all stopped the moment I heard Led Zeppelin and called out for my father.
I am a woman
And my father killed my brother and got away with it.
I am a woman
And I have drunk from the poisoned well of my father’s misogyny while Demeter cried alone every night and I learned the fine art of the blowjob for the 800 dollars I sat and stared at on the edge of my bed in Watertown.
I am a woman
And I have felt the white cold polymer table against my back as the doctor told me to lie back and administered the anesthetic and after the D & C was over he asked me if I wanted to see it and I said no and twenty years later I live with the resignation and the regret yet I am not sorry.
I am a woman
And I dance naked at midnight around the game pole in my back yard every full moon except when it’s cold outside.
I am a woman
And I have slept on the floor of the mudroom with the dogs just to avoid a coked out boyfriend.
I am a woman
And I have been hit by a man.
I am a woman
And I have packed a laundry basket full of clothes as quietly as possible in order to leave in a car with no brakes and drove all the way home to my mother in Boston asking for help because I was a coke addict.
I am a woman
And I know the suffocation and loneliness and mortal fear of psychiatric emergency.
I am a woman
And I have attended the closed casket funeral of my high school boyfriend.
I am a woman
And I have let a strange man buy me breast implants.
I am a woman
And my sister and I almost drown together.
I am a woman
And my sister and I were molested as children and mom didn’t believe either one of us.
I am a woman
And I have dated a cross dresser.
I have hidden cocaine in my boot and come home from a 600 night with only thirty bucks left because the rest of the money went up my nose and I had to stop and practice diaphragmatic breathing because my throat closed up and I laughed out loud because I didn’t die.
I am a woman
And I have been to prison.
I’ve read Diane DiPrima and Virginia Wolfe and Nancy Qualls-Corbett and Pat Califia and Clarrissa Pinkola Estes and I called my mother drunk and told her I was smarter than she is.
I am a woman
And the black guys at the bar used to call me thick and juicy and I laughed and thought of Delmonico steaks and wondered how much they’d pay me if I let them take a bite out of me.
I am a woman
And I hate it when people use witch instead of bitch because they think it’s more polite. I am a Witch and it offends me.
I have let Hades spoon feed me pomegranate seed in the bowels of darkness and I have learned as much in the underworld as I have ever learned when May gives birth to cherry blossoms that glisten in the sun.
I drew down Mahakali and let her fight for me and she won the battle to overcome my fear.
I drew down Diana and she led my quest for answers and hunted down with her dogs my animus.
I drew down Venus and relearned how to love my own Apollo.
I drew down Gaia and healed myself and reclaimed the renewable resource of my mind.
I am a woman
And I believe in the Goddess.
I am made in the image of the divine.
Great Mother I stand here humbly before you a product of my faith.
I am blessed
I am whole
I am unafraid
I am healed.